2019

Some notes from me to me, re: 2018:

• what a deafeningly lonely year, running from extreme event to extreme event. you don't even remember most weeks -- they were spent in an anxiety induced chasm. you probably shouldn't do that again.

• but you did manage to do some things you never thought you would or could do. none of them feel "good" yet, as of the end of the year, but they at least feel "complete". the house is a good house (as your dad says: "you live on the same street as the steeler's coach!). the job is a good job (you work for the NEW YORK TIMES now). you've become more emotionally resilient maybe. you feel less victimized some days.

• you spent a lot of time with your dog, but you could always spend more. he's not getting younger.

• you also need to spend some more time making and learning next year. there were lots of evenings where you couldn't think past your nose -- makes for long-running, mindless blocks of time. fewer terrible / all-encompassing undertakings ought to make for the ability to be more present.

• you probably can't survive another couple years with so few relationships in your life. you will need to fix this or it will eat you alive.

For 2019:

• probably stop listening to NPR and engaging in social media. probably shut off facebook once the illusion of connection is overcome. protect yourself from provocation. you spend all day in some form of anger, frustration, or indignity -- it gets you nothing.

• keep going to the gym. it makes you feel good (not in the "immediate gym high" people talk about, but in the "you feel stronger and can do things today you couldn't do yesterday" kind of way.)

• keep writing. you probably are still best at this vs. anything else. find a way to talk about the deeply personal without throwing your loved ones or yourself under the bus. or write some sci fi poems. whatever.

• be more kind to yourself. you are doing well. people really like you. your debts literal and figurative are no greater or worse than many others. the things which you light yourself on fire over are completely inconsequential and can be bought off with money or influence or energy. stop leaning into it little by little. You can do it. I'll be here to support you.